Thankful on July 12, 2011

Overheard in Sunday's Priesthood meeting during a discussion on "Roles in a Family"...

Manly man commenting on keeping wives in line (to remain anonymous) (and cringe): "Don't forget the importance of discipline!"

To which Corbin replied in a loud whisper to all surrounding him, "Does that mean I get to spank Michelle, or Michelle gets to spank me?!"

Crazy-thankful for a husband who gets it AND for fun spankings. ;)

Thankful on April 6, 2011

On Sunday, my sister Julie showed me something most precious. Something I cannot get out of my mind. Her adorable little Cannon (age four) drew a picture to send to my son Iver, depicting Iver's mugging incident. I cannot wait for Iver to get it. He will not be able to stop smiling! I can picture it now. In Cannon's picture, Iver (with a tie) is being assisted by an angel, who is protecting him from the bad guy. What Cannon doesn't know, but I do, is that the angel's name is Maria...

About a month before Iver received his mission call, Corbin and I had the opportunity to attend the Denver temple on an initiatory assignment. If you do not know, our temples are places where we take part in sacred ordinances that we believe bind families together for eternity. In initiatories we receive blessings and annointings that teach us about our divine nature. Part of the work we do there is to provide these ordinances for those who have passed on from this life and were unable to do them for themselves. It was a very snowy night, and the parking lot was near empty. We walked in, half expecting them to tell us that they were going to close down early, but instead they were thrilled to see us and excited for us to fulfill our assignment. I went to the appropriate room, the only patron with two workers to help me. We were able to work quickly, and before we knew it, I had completed a whopping TWENTY names. All three of us were giggling a little bit because every single person I had done work for was a Maria from Mexico. I thought it was pretty cool, but didn't think too much more of it. I was grateful to be able to help each of them to receive these special blessings.

A month or so later, Iver received his mission call to Mexico. The temple ordinances I had taken part in did not even enter my mind...

Fast forward a few weeks to April 24, Iver's birthday and the day he went to the temple for his own endowment in preparation for his mission. It was a wonderful day and I had all those crazy momma emotions...nervousness, tears, joy. A lovely old woman met me in the lobby, the same time a little old man met Iver. As he lead Iver and Corbin in a different direction, I felt so sad that I couldn't be with them both for all of the experience, but before I could dwell on that feeling, my helper said, "Sister Johnson, would you like to do some initiatories while your son does his own? This will help you feel very close to him." I quickly expressed to her my worries of not being there when Iver came out of the initiatory room, and missing something that I should be a part of, and she reassured me that her entire purpose that day was to help me, and she would make sure I was in the right places.
And so I entered the initiatory room. It was very full of women this particular morning, and each name took much longer than the time before. As I was half-way through my third name, I was waiting for the workers to finish helping the woman ahead of me, and thinking of Iver. I looked down at my card. The name I was working on was a Maria from Mexico. And the two I had just completed were also Maria's from Mexico. Tears spilled down my face as the the holy spirit manifest to me what was happening. These wonderful, beautiful Maria's and the twenty wonderful, beautiful Maria's from before whom I was serving, were gathering to serve me. They were the angels who would buoy Iver up on his mission to Mexico. They are the ancestors who would lead Iver to their precious posterity, that he might help them become eternal families. And they are the angels that would surround him and protect him in times of danger and discouragement. They are Iver's army of Maria's.

This is but one blessing of the temple for my family. It is one that brings me incredible joy and comfort at this time. Crazy-thankful for that Maria who protected Iver from the drunk who would rob him. Crazy-thankful for all twenty-three Maria's who are doing what I cannot.

Thankful on February 16, 2011

Today I am able to laugh...yesterday was only tears. So today I write about my wild adventures in falling.

Yesterday morning I walked into my friendly neighborhood Einstein Brothers Bagels to buy a bagel sandwich, split into two for my lunch and dinner. I had a long day ahead of me, sitting at the convention center talking to the three or four people wandering the rows of the home show on a weekday afternoon. I grabbed the little paper bag, turned to walk quickly out the door, and my foot caught the only little puddle of melted snow in the whole place. Then came the s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n, no, I'm not going to fall, I can catch my balance, whoa my top half is going down, whoa my legs are up above my top half, yes I am flying, keep my head up, OUCH!!! I was sprawled across the floor, had hit my knee and thumb hard, then twisted to hit my hip and wrist even harder. Flattened. Shocked. Skirt up to...getting the picture? Then a very sweet, eighty-something, bent and using a cane, little old man helped me to my feet. His sweet, little old wife gathered my purse and phone and bagel. She then brushed me off and gave me a hug, which of course, started me crying. Ouch my body. Ouch my ego. I thanked them for their loving gestures, then out I went, as fast as I could limp, every eye in the full restaurant firmly fixed on me. When I got to the car, the water-works broke loose, and I immediately called Corbin for sympathy, only to get his voice mail. Massive bruises started immediately, and today I sit at my desk achey and stiff, but broken I am not. Thankfully.

Yes, you may call me Grace. I am a faller. There is not a year that goes by without at least one terrible fall. A few of the most memorable...

A couple of years ago, Shakira had her first monster-huge party with her friends at our house. Corbin and I were mostly staying out of their hair upstairs, but checking in every once in a while. The kiddos had rearranged things in the living room to make room for exuberant wii participation, and one of the oversize leather armchairs was pushed against the bottom of the stairs. Shakira was sitting in that armchair (thank goodness it was Shakira!) as I walked down our very steep stairs with a full can of soda in my hand. Somewhere near the middle, I lost my footing and proceeded to catapult the rest of the way, landing hard on the back of the chair, my can of pepsi thudding firmly on the top of my precious daughter's head. As soda streamed down her face and the surrounding walls, a gigantic goose egg began to emerge, and those friends all looked at me like I was the absolute devil of mothers. Luckily, my daughter forgave me, even laughed, and most of the friends gave me a second chance and got to know some of my redeeming qualities.

Years ago, on our mountain, I was the first of the family to wake up on a lovely, sunny Sunday morning. I took a shower, then threw on a little nightgown. Because we were completely secluded, I often went outside in nothing but a nightgown and flip flops to water my flower garden. Corbin and Iver had been trying to locate our underground septic tank by digging a menagerie of large, five foot deep holes in the driveway. As I walked by the hole next to my garden, I remember making a mental note to avoid it. I watered and enjoyed my flowers, turned off the hose, and turned to walk into the house, smiling and not looking down. The next thing I knew, I was in the bottom of that hole, naked because my nightgown had hooked on a stick at the top and I had slid right out of it on my way down, and scraped from head to toe. Yes...head to toe and EVERYTHING in between. I managed to pull myself out, ran naked into the house, and climbed back into bed with Corbin, crying, laughing hysterically, and bleeding profusely. Poor Corbin...he really never knows what he is going to wake up next to.

There are a hundred stories, every one ridiculous. There was the time I slipped on the ice and landed with my head two inches from the blade of the ax Corbin had been splitting wood with the previous day. There was the time I was seven months pregnant with Iver, tripped and dove down the stairs, hit a chair at the bottom, and sent Aiko the iguana, who just happened to be sitting on the top of that chair, flinging across the room and into the window. He survived. Oh, I was naked in that one as well.

Then there is the story that started it all. It was the summer of 1980. I was ten years old and playing with my wonderful neighbor kids, the DeHaans and the Jacobs. We were playing hide and seek. I was safely and superbly hidden upstairs, saw an opportunity to get home-free, and ran down the stairs. Two things happened simultaneously, that changed my life and forever defined me as a faller. I tripped on Maria's doll on the third step down right as Kelly was walking across the bottom landing with his cello. Yes. That is indeed what I said. Cello. My dear readers, I hit that cello. I demolished that cello. Can you believe that karma hasn't come back to get me, or my dear cellist-daughter on that one? My knee was split open and I remember screaming, "my guts are hanging out!" That cut required four stitches, and as I laid in our living room recovering, my dear friend Kelly DeHaan brought over a poem he had written to help me feel better. This is all I recall from the poem:

You flung down the stairs like an old rubber band;

Wait 'til your older to try super-man.

My dear friend, Kelly, I try it often. And trust me, it was much easier when I was ten!

So, although I sit today with armpits, and a hip, and a knee that feel like they are on fire, I am crazy-thankful. Crazy-thankful that one of these lovely falls has not killed me yet. I am quite certainly convinced that one day, one will.

Thankful on January 17, 2011

I must say, with a little bit of sadness and a great deal of relief, that I am happy to say goodbye to 2010. It was a year of great trial and tribulation for me, one of tears and turmoil. But as I reflect back, there are moments of exquisite beauty and joy. For each of those moments, I am full of gratitude. Some of my favorites of 2010...

Favorite Adventure: Watching my Shakira sky dive. This was quite a day. Shakira has always wanted to do this, and on our way up to Fort Collins, to drop her off to begin her time at CSU, we stopped by Longmont and she jumped out of a plane. Anyone who knows Miss Shak, knows that this is completely characteristic. Shakira has honorary cahones. She is not afraid of anything. While watching her descend from the sky, tears ran down my cheeks. I am so unbelievably blessed to have this precious girl as my own. She loves life and all that it throws at her. She faces everything head-on with determination and sunshine. She is an incredible woman, and I look forward to the wild and daring frontiers she will cross in her life. I look forward to crossing them with her.

Favorite Gift: For Christmas, Corbin went handmade. He spent many hours back in our shop, which I was strictly forbidden to enter. I was so ridiculously excited, just like a little girl on Christmas Eve. We got up VERY early on Christmas morning...not knowing if Iver's call would be at 6:00 a.m. or 6:00 p.m. After my shower, I tiptoed downstairs, naked, in the pitch dark. I had only the light of my cell phone, because our blinds are see-through at night, to light my way to let Stella outside. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, there was something gigantic and covered with a drop cloth and leaning against the wall. I lifted an edge of the drop cloth to take a little peek and it fell to the floor! I was in quite a predicament, couldn't turn on the lights because I could be seen naked from the street, couldn't set down my cell phone to have both hands to put the drop cloth back up....and it was at that moment that I turned around and saw Corbin sitting on the stairs laughing. Busted. He made me the most beautiful floor mirror...massive and chocolate brown, perfectly pieced together from antique reclaimed wood, salvaged from old buildings in downtown. It is incredible. The loveliest piece of furniture I will ever own. The most lovely part? That Corbin loves me this much!

Favorite Day: The last Sunday in May, we had a wonderful "farewell fiesta" for Iver before he ventured off on his mission to Mexico. It started at church, where over a hundred of our friends and family joined us to hear Iver speak. And he did not disappoint. Iver gave a precious talk about kindness and following the Savior's example to love each other. He shared special stories from his life that had helped teach him this principle. Then he and Shakira performed "I Hope They Call Me On A Mission," complete with cello as a bass, ukulele, whistling, and an additional verse. There wasn't a dry eye in the chapel, and my adorable 80 year old friend Jessie gave them a standing ovation. It was perfect. After church, our home was filled with the love and well wishes of so many people. We served tacos, broke Iver and Kevin's homemade pig pinatas, and enjoyed ourselves and our son late into the night. All were confident that Iver would be an extraordinary missionary. As Corbin and I laid in bed that night, we could not wipe the smiles off of our faces. And as we smiled, we wept. We laid in each other's arms and felt such incredible satisfaction in our children and our lives. There never was a better day.

These three memories are ones I will cherish. I will also cherish the pain, and the personal growth I have obtained because of it. I am crazy-thankful for this little life of mine.

Thankful on December 16, 2010

I have a mixed history with dogs. There have been a couple of precious, loved ones in my life, but far more mean and scary ones. I have incredible fear of canines. When I encounter one I don't know, my heart races, I break out in a sweat, and my eyes start to water. I have to fight the flight instinct.

It began when I was a small child...I had the most wonderful grandpa, who had the scariest dog!! Prince loved my grandpa and was wildly possessive. My grandpa always warned me to not reach out to Prince, or look him in the eye, so I was careful to keep my distance. I remember vividly an incident when my grandpa left the room, Prince inched toward me, and growled. That picture in my memory still makes me cringe! He had these terrifying freckles...that multiplied when he bared his teeth. My grandpa walked in to save me, just in the nick of time.

I remember another dog, a collie, who violently barked and attacked the fence each day as I walked to and from the bus stop. I was a teeny little five year old and I would carefully cross the street, so I could walk as far away as possible from that dog. I will never forget the absolute terror I felt one day, as I began to walk past that house and realized the gate was open. The dog started in on it's usual barking, then came through that gate and toward me across the street at lightning speed. I didn't even have time to run. It had that same nasty snarl as Prince, jumped up on me and knocked me down. A woman, the dog's owner, came rushing out with gigantic juice-can rollers in her hair and a cigarette hanging from her lips, and pulled the dog off of me. She picked me up, brushed me off, and with a snarl herself said, "Don't you dare tell your parents about this!" I ran off as fast as I could. Of course, my little kindergarten brain worked out a wonderful solution...I would use the NEXT stop, three blocks from my house, and I DEFINITELY would not tell my parents. It was less than a week, however, that I missed the bus. I was still so afraid of that dog and that horrible woman and didn't want to explain the truth to my parents, but they were able to get it out of me.

When Corbin and I were dating, we arrived at his parent's home late one night, after everyone had already gone to bed. Corbin had forgotten his key, so we went around to the back door to see if it was unlocked. Nope. Corbin told me to wait there, he would get the hidden key, open the front door, then let me in the back door. As soon as he left me, I saw a big black figure charging at me. I realized it was their family black lab, Coalie, just as she was jumping up onto my shoulders, growling and gnashing at my face. Corbin opened the door just as her teeth made contact with my cheek. Needless to say, I made Corbin take me home, and I stayed far, far away from that mean old dog for the rest of her life.

I had another dog incident that was so horrifying, I really do not speak of it. It involves a monster, truly, eating her own brand-new puppies, then trying to eat me. It happened when I was very sick and, at the suggestion of a church leader, trying to reach outside of myself to serve someone else. The incident set me far, far back in my healing and is an image that is cemented in my brain. I had nightmares for years.

So, you can only imagine my reaction five years ago when Corbin decided that he really wanted to get a dog. He knew all of these things about me and promised to be very selective. With that promise, and the excitement of our children, I mustered up courage and agreed. I was not part of the process. Corbin had a good friend from church, who was moving and needed to find a home for their dog. She was a great breed, a German Shorthair Pointer, three years old. The friend had rescued her from terrible circumstances at a puppy mill, and she had spent the past couple of years in their home with three little girls pulling on her ears. I did not go with my family to pick her up. But when they arrived home, something tugged a little at my heart. She was such a pretty dog, and a little bit shy because she didn't know us yet. Corbin let me choose a name for her...Stella. It seemed a perfect fit. For the next several months, Corbin kept her on a "short leash," she never left his side. He taught her, and loved her, and she quickly turned into a very well behaved little creature. All the while, my heart softened and I came to love her dearly.

Stella has these ears...oh, I love her ears! They are softer than velvet, and they move to express how she is feeling. When she REALLY wants something, she gives us her cute ears, which say, "Oh, please. Look how cute I am with my floppy ears. I know you can't say no to me! I'm too adorable! And I loooovvvveeee you!"

Stella has big, gorgeous brown eyes. When I'm sad, she puts her chin on my knee and looks at me with those precious eyes, "Stella loves you so much, please don't cry or Stella will cry!"

Stella loves EVERYONE. We often joke that if someone broke into our house, she would greet them at the front door, stubby little tail wagging the whole back half of her body and say, "Hi! I'm Stella and I love you! Let me show you where they keep the food. Will you share?!"

Stella thinks that she is a small dog, and loves to sit in my lap. She loves us all so much, and has brought so much joy into our lives. I look forward to getting home each day, opening the door, and being adored. It feels really good!

I still panic around dogs. But Stella has helped me to be able to take a deep breath and try to love them all. For that I am so thankful. But for the love she gives me and chunk of my heart that she occupies, I am crazy-thankful!

Thankful on December 2, 2010

A word of warning before you begin reading today. This post contains my testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ. It also contains a personal, wonderful story about how I came to obtain that testimony. If you do not wish to continue reading, that is understandable...I will write about something lighter next week!

It is all contained in this letter I sent to Iver today.

My Precious Iver:

I am quite dismayed right now, knowing that you did not receive the package we sent with your sweaters, and knowing that there is a very real probability that you won't receive your Christmas package in time for Christmas. I have shed many tears over this, and pray that somehow these things will find their way to you. In the meantime, I know that you are receiving the pouch mail, so I wanted to send this to you, my testimony of the Savior, which I pray will be a gift in itself.

I love our Savior. I feel His love and influence in my life everyday. I know that He lives and that He is aware of me. I have had a lot of sin in my life. I have called on the Savior and His atonement to lift me and save me from those sins and He has. I have seen that same atonement and love from the Savior in your behalf, as well as in dad's and Shakira's. I am eternally grateful for Jesus Christ.

The experience I want to share with you is the most precious gift of all for me. It's a story I know you have heard, but I will share it again, because of my love and appreciation for Christ.

When you were quite young, early grade school age, I was very, very sick with my bipolar disorder. I spent time locked up in a hospital. I was medicated to the point where I existed in a fog. Those medications caused extreme side effects that caused me to be very physically ill as well. I could not go into public at all, because of extreme anxiety and fear. Most days I could not even get out of bed, or if I did, I quickly got back in. I could not function. And each day I would weep. Weep because I wasn't able to take care of my beautiful children and husband. Weep because I wasn't able to even participate in being part of our family. I would weep for you, and Shakira, and dad because I imagined how hard life was for you living with me. I would desperately pray to Heavenly Father while I wept, to understand what I needed to learn so I could move on. I would pray for Him to take the illness away. And some days, everything was so dark and black, that I would pray that Heavenly Father would spare you and Shakira and dad by just taking me home to Him. I hated myself for putting you all through such agony and pain.

One day, when my illness was at it's height, my mom went to the temple, specifically searching for the Lord's help in helping me. She purposely arrived early, so she could sit reverently in the chapel before her session began and pray for me. As she prayed, she cried. I am her baby, after all, and she felt so helpless. She prayed to know what to do, prayed for healing for me, and prayed for peace for her mourning soul. She paused and looked up to the front of the chapel. At the front of our temple's chapel is a large painting of Jesus, setting apart and blessing His twelve diciples. He is standing in the center of the painting, with eleven of the diciples surrounding Him, and one of them kneeling in front of Him. Christ's hands are on the head of the one kneeling. As my mom looked at the painting, the kneeling diciple faded away, and she saw ME in his place, being personally blessed by the Savior. Amazing peace came to her as the spirit whispered to her that I would be okay, that I wasn't done on this earth, that the Savior needed me and would bless me.

As soon as her temple session ended, she drove up the mountain, and sat down on the edge of my futon. She pulled the covers from my head and, with tears streaming down her face, told me what had happened in the temple that day. I, too was filled with peace. And I was filled with LIGHT that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I sat up and my mother held me in her arms and we cried. When she left, I was able to get out of bed. I felt hope. I couldn't explain it at all, and still can't. But I knew the Savior loved me and had suffered this for me. He knew. He knew.

Within the week, Julie Bellum called dad to tell him about an acquaintance of hers, who was part of a Johns Hopkins study of a controversial new treatment for bipolar disorder, and having incredible success. We went to her home and visited with her. Dad and I prayed together and decided that, although my doctor counseled against it, Empower and Truehope was the direction we should go. As you know, it wasn't an easy transition, but within three months, I was off of the terrible anti-psychotic drugs and doing very, very well on my supplement. And I haven't looked back. Sure, I struggle from time to time. I always will. But I am WELL.

Jesus Christ is my Savior, Iver. He truly SAVED me. He knows me. He wants me. He loves me. He needed me to be your mom, your dad's wife. He needed me to serve the youth of His church. He needed me to teach Olive and Jade and Vivian the gospel. He still needs me.

I cannot deny His love and His power. I cannot deny that He lives and loves us.

I know this. KNOW it.

Precious son of mine, how blessed I am to be alive and part of your life. How blessed I am to witness your complete love and devotion to the Lord. I love you more than I could ever possibly say.

Momma

For a beautiful December, to devote my thoughts to Jesus Christ, I am crazy-thankful.

Thankful on November 24, 2010

A year or so after we began dating, Corbin and I made this green coin in a funny little outdoor arcade in Mantitou Springs. We began talking about spending our lives together long before that...by our third date, to be exact (please keep in mind that we had already been dear friends for several years before that point). We also often talked about our dreams for our family, the kind of parents we would be, and the amazing children we would have. This coin lists the names of that future we dreamed of, Iver, Shakira, Corbin, Michelle, and has become a token of the miracle that is our little Johnson family.

Rewind to "Michelle, age 15." It was at this point that I developed endometriosis. I was hospitalized many times as a teenager, and had surgery on several occasions to remove ridiculously huge cysts from my ovaries or the mayhem left over when those cysts exploded. There were times my mother would find me passed out on the bathroom floor, or my dad would try to comfort me in the middle of the night while I was doubled over and screaming in pain. I was 16 years old when my gynecologist told me I would probably never be able to have children.

Now skip forward a couple of years. When Corbin and I began dating, he had not been active in our church for quite awhile. He began coming back. About a year and a half into our relationship, our stake president came to Corbin and told him that it was time for Corbin to get ready to go on a mission. Honestly, up to this point, Corbin had not considered doing that. He had been away from the church so long, and most young men went on missions when they were 19. Corbin was now 21. As he thought about it, he became very excited! He could be a missionary, and I was happy and eager to support him in that. He began to prepare his application papers and submitted them to our bishop.

Before the bishop and stake president were able to send Corbin's papers to church headquarters, a general authority was visiting our stake, and asked to speak with Corbin. During that interview, the general authority asked Corbin about his time of inactivity, as well as his worthiness and desire to serve as a full time missionary. He signed Corbin's papers, then sat quietly looking into his eyes for several moments. Then he spoke. "Corbin, do you have a young lady in your life who loves you and will be waiting for you?" Corbin then told him about me, and the general authority continued, "I feel very impressed to tell you that you should stay here, marry that girl, and start your family." This was very unexpected, not something that happens EVER, and there were many questions and speculations abounding. But Corbin and I followed that council, and were married several months later.

To our surprise, we quickly became pregnant with our wonderful little Iver. Only seven months after his birth, we found ourselves pregnant again with our beautiful, sweet Shakira. We were very young, and very unprepared, but we somehow made it. And we found incredible joy in the journey. My body was not able to conceive again after Shakira was born. This is truly the miracle. Iver and Shakira were both born in the little window of time when Corbin would have been on his mission. Had he gone, and not followed the council of the general authority, we would not have them.

As you know, I have a heart full of gratitude right now. With Thanksgiving tomorrow, I cannot stop thinking of my precious little family, of this most sacred gift. I am so, so, so crazy-thankful.